Like swimming in porridge

Today there was daylight before 7am and the rest of the day went wonderfully well. And I realised, as I walked through the sunshine to my optician appointment while my children were cared for by someone else, that I’ve been absent from huge tracts of my life for over two years now.

My toddler is two and a half, and for two years I’ve been living with suicidal depression, dysmenorrhea, PMS-induced mood swings, and my second Baby Who Doesn’t Sleep. My eldest went through phases of needing no more than 8 hours’ sleep in 24, and this baby does too.

Last spring we also had a mild cold which turned into toddler croup and tonsillitis, included an ambulance ride in the middle of the night, a week sleeping in hospital and being discharged daily only to return when the night-time symptoms resurfaced, and a summer of sleeping with one ear open for the silence of unbreathing baby.

We’ve got used to that now and know that she wakes every single time.

And I’ve been remembering – actually, R has been remembering for me – my pills, so my depression is under control. And I have lovely orthotics so my hip pain is ok. And my RSI is manageable. And I have had a little gynae op for my Trouble.

But my friendships have been falling like leaves from a tree. Only the friends who find it relatively easy to keep coming, to initiate contact, to do all the running – only those ones seem to have survived my brush with madness, and that’s kind of ok, because I’m too tired to worry about friendships now.

I think later, when I have more time and energy, I’ll find it kind of sad.

Today the sunshine gave me the energy to think about it.

And I booked my eldest in to a trial drama lesson, first thing tomorrow morning. New beginnings!

  1. helenprev’s avatar

    I don’t find it easy to initiate contact (partly because of my own diffident nature, and partly because of an extended brush with my daughter’s madness), but I’m still here. You’re all in my thoughts. I’m just bloody useless at actually saying so. Sorry.

    The sunshine made me sing today.

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  2. Ailbhe’s avatar

    Be fair, we’re getting more of a genuine bristle scrubbing brush than a squirrel-hair watercolour brush with madness, really.

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  3. Tiggsybabes’s avatar

    I have absences in my memory from what time Holly was born at (all I know is it was at night, but not late, late) & at what age she did all the firsts (apart from walking) & what her first words were. It is a mental fog from pnd & probably the antidepressants. When she asks me about these things, I can’t tell her :(

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